Happy Six Monthiversary!-Six lessons to a better romantic relationship with your programmer. October 28, 2009

In honor of our first six Monthiversary I thought a post some helpful hints for those of us who don’t have a lot of experience with programmers.

First it is important to establish a baseline. Are you truly dealing with a  programmer? Check Here or Here! If you can agree to at least five statements about your boyfriend, then continue on.

WARNING: These lessons will only help if you are interested in a “real” relationship with a programmer. DO NOT use my techniques to get a programmer man to help you with a project or do your homework. You suck!

Lesson #6

Learn to ignore traditional relationship techniques.

Example: Bedroom Conversation about edible underwear.

• Him: What are those?
• Me: Edible Underwear.
• Him: What? Why? What is the purpose?
• Me: Ummm…What do you think?
• Him: They look like plastic. Not something edible.
• Me: They make this part fun.
• Him: Can you get rid of those so that we can get down to business.

Please note: I am not claiming that all coders do not like edible underwear. I am just saying that probably don’t think they are particularly necessary.  Also, try not to make assumptions or stereotypes. An example, we saw the new Star Trek and Harry Potter the week it came out; because I  am a huge fan. YEP. I LOVE Star Trek and Harry Potter. Me, the former Head Cheerleader. I think Spock is H.O.T. However my super programmer boyfriend is not at all interested.

Lesson #5

Learn to unwind the call stack.

Ok. I had no idea what this meant either. So here is an example.

• Me: So yes, I have actually used the bathroom in public before.
• Him: How did we get here?
• Me: We were talking about hunting and if your mother ever goes on the hunting trips in the desert.
• Him: And I said no because, where would she go to the bathroom.
• Me: Yes.
• Him: Why were we talking about that?
• Me: I asked you what you are looking forward to doing this December on your trip to California.
• Him: Right. Okay. Now we can move on.

Please note: I actually started to just keep track of the progression of all conversations in my head; that way I am always prepared.

Lesson #4

Learn to speak extrespecifish.

I am convinced that it is a language that they must teach in Computer Science 101 at every college or university. It is the language of being extremely specific.  If you don’t remember anything else. Remember this. You have to become very comfortable with being extremely specific. Absurdly so. Or all your conversations will become this.

Please note: I have no hint to offer because in six months I have no mastered this skill;much to the chagrin of my boyfriend. It is also extremely frustrating for a person who speaks four actual languages.

Lesson #3

Learn to love routines.

Do you know the programmer joke about the shower?  I could see that happening. Programmers love routines-FOR EVERYTHING. So don’t be surprised if your relationship seems to settle into a repetitive pattern.  The normal female instinct would lead to us thinking that this is a problem. However, this is not the case.

Please note: If you are not a fan of routines, try this trick. Establish some naughty routines (I truly believe most programmers are under discovered freaks) and make sure they get added to the routine. Trust me you will not be disappointed.

Lesson #2

Learn to love being the relationship representative.

Do you enjoy talking to strangers? I hope so, because you are the representative for the relationship. It is probably a good idea for you to do all the talking when you guys are out and about, for several reasons.

1. The mission will be completed in a more timely fashion; because you will not have to take the time to work up the energy to talk to the particular stranger (normally a store employee or waiter).
2. You are probably a little more approachable.
3. You speak the language. (Please refer to Lesson #4)

Lesson #1

Learn to be a cheerleader.

If you are lucky, you were a cheerleader like me! So what is the essence of being a cheerleader? Let’s go with definition two. The major difference between a professional athlete and a programmer is that fan club. In most cases the professional athlete has always had their very own cheering section. So it is up to you to be there for your programmer. It sounds easy but it can actually be quite challenging. By nature, programmers are loners. It may be very difficult for you to get inside.

Please Note: One way to do this is to find out what they are passionate about besides programming (unless you feel up to the task of partner coding) and try those activities. It will show that you are interested in all the things about them and help to build that baseline of support.

Questions?

Funeral Talk October 15, 2009

Set up: Conversation about family members.

• Aunt Minnie:  Uncle Jenkins spelled his name Lowery.
• Mere: But Big Jack spelled is Lowry.
• Aunt Minnie: I know.
• Mere: But they were brothers, with the same father and mother.
• Aunt Minnie: I know.

 

 

Set up: A conversation between two sisters about well being after the passing of their father.

• Mere: How are you doing?
• Ma tante: I don’t know, I can’t focus because my p*ssy still hurts.

 

Set up: Conversation about a church member.

• Cousin Goldie:Rev. Wayward was going stop by
• Moi: Who is that?
• Ma mere: I don’t know
• Ronique: Is that the make with the f*ckin’ (inappropriate facial gesture) mouth

 

Set up:  Conversation about the deposit for the cruise.

• Moi: What we gonna do if we don’t have the money
• Ronique: We are going to sell you to the Mexicans
• Ma tante: Or me, mere, and moi or going to go on 13 and get it
• (Everyone laughs)
• Ma tante: Except for me ‘cause my c**chie hurts, so I will be the pimp
• Mere: Not my old ass, we will just send Moi
• Moi: MOM!

 

Set up: Conversation at my grandparents two days after my grandfathers funeral discussing mementos.

• Frere: Can I have the bullets from the 21 gun salute
• Moi: Blake they were blanks
• Frere: So what I want them
• Ma tante: there are some dirty drawers in his room that you can have.

October 2nd October 3, 2009

Set-up: Phone conversation in which I am learning about all the latest drama.

Ms. Nice: “I swear, I am just one gospel song away from a Terry Perry Movie.”

Moi: Wow.

August 27 August 27, 2009

Announcer: And now filling in for Akaya, it’s the only San Diegan bitterly-clinging code agitator this side of the Delaware state line, #1565, MoffDub!

Greetings to you, connoisseurs of insanity, and welcome to the Puerto-Rican edition of Daily Ridiculosity. Well, not really. Akaya is down south living the cheerleader’s life, so you will have to settle for substitute Excellence In Ridiculosity.

Setup: 1565 teaching karate to young kids

• Young kid: Wow is that a rainstorm outside?
• 1565: No, that’s God crying because you’re not standing at attention.

Setup: in California Tortilla

• 1565: I think I’m going to have that Southwest Chicken Salad.
• Moi: Oh yeah with the Caribbean mango low fat dressing!
• 1565: Really?
• Moi: I come here at least once a week. Not here, but one by work.
• 1565: So that’s your secret? I tell you about an upsetting medical condition and you give me a restaurant frequency.

Setup: in a cubicle

• Shamalan: We are seeing this Adobe Flash player security pop-up when we view the HTML. What is the workaround?
  

• 1565: Click OK.

Announcer: This has been a special Cruise Control message from the EIP web-ring.

Retro Family Foolishness August 7, 2009

Sometimes its nice to look back on funny conversations from the past. Here are some of my favorites…

• Set-up-My mother and Brother having a conversation.
Mr. Next Right: Mom I think we should have Chinese tonight
Mere: Sure…you buy it.
Mr. Next Right: No…I don’t have any money

July 30 July 31, 2009

• 1565: (talking about girls at karate) But when I was their age, I was on a whole different level.
• Moi: But that’s you. You excel at everything. When did you learn to talk? When did you learn to walk?
• 1565: Um, let me check the logbook.
  Moi: (laugh)

• 1565: Why would I know these things? How is the information relevant? Will it help me in my daily life? Oh wait, I know how. I learned to talk at 15 months, and I learned to walk at 12 months. 15-12 = 3, times 10 a.m. = 30, so I need 30 feet of following distance between me and this car in front of me.

• Moi: How can you not know your first word?
• 1565: I don’t even remember what my first word was yesterday.

July 25th-Our First Carnival July 31, 2009

Set-up: At the Cecil County Fair, watching the swing ride, which is currently moving in slow motion.

• Moi: What do you think?
• 1565: I’m getting dizzy.

Set-up: Parking Lot (Grass) of the Cecil County Fair. I am standing in front of the drivers side door.

• 1565: Let me in.
• Moi: Nope. Not without the secret shake.
• (1565 grabs various parts of my body)
• Moi: That is not the secret shake.

Set-up: After the Cecil County Fair

• 1565: We learned something new today.
• Moi:   What?
• 1565: Clingers are okay with the swirl.

July 24 July 25, 2009

Setup: Phone Conversation.

• Sis Leigh: I just bookmarked your Blog, it is now one of my favorites.
• Moi: LOL
• Sis Leigh: It is very comprehensive, I feel like I don’t even need to go to any more family events I can just read all the interesting comments here.

July 23 July 25, 2009

Setup: At the Chinese restaurant.

• 1565: But you said…

Moi: Wait. Wait. Wait. Why do all of our conversations have to be transcribed as if we are a court of law.

July 22 July 25, 2009

Setup: These three conversations all happened during one phone conversation.

• Moi:  Por Favor, 1565

1565: Who am I speaking with?

Moi: Is that what you would say if you didn’t think it was me?

1565: What am I supposed to say, I want two tacos and a bean burrito? That’s racist.

• Moi: Why don’t we find out how long it takes to get there? Go MapQuest it.
  1565: MapQuest? Why do you keep saying “MapQuest” it? You’ve said it at least twice, maybe three times now. What decade are you in, the 90s?
  Moi: What are you talking about? No I didn’t!
  1565: Yes you did! You’ve said it twice, at least three times now.
  Moi: Which is it? Get your numbers straight.
  1565: (With a raised voice.) Are you going to start doubting me now? Because I’m gonna start getting angry!
  Moi: What does that mean? What’s gonna happen?
  1565: There’s gonna be a lot of spilled chocolate milk!

• Moi: Do you make your own chocolate milk or do you buy it.
  1565: I make it.
  Moi: With what?
  1565: With powder.
  Moi: What kind?
  1565: Ovaltine.
  Moi: (hysterical laughter)
  1565: What? What’s your problem?
  Moi: I can’t talk to you.
  1565: You laugh at all of my lifestyle choices.

• Moi: The reason I laughed at Ovaltine, is because I was thinking about that commercial “More Ovaltine please!”
  1565: You think I’m a child.
  Moi: (More laughter)
  1565: I don’t know how I feel about this now. You think I’m a child.